Firecracker

This day, One day

2011-05-16T00:49:00.005+02:00

Today, everyone keeps telling you that one day it’ll all be fine,

One day, you’ll find out that it’s all for the best,

One day, all the pain will go away.

Now I’m sure that one day I’ll be strong,

One day, I’ll be standing on my feet with my head held high,

One day, I’ll look back and may not even remember how it felt on this day.

I’m not a slightest bit concerned, I have full faith in reaching all of that one day.

But you see, this is not about one day,

This is all about today and what happened this day.

This day, life as you knew it changed,

Rainbows turned into stormy gloomy clouds,

And smiles turned into heartbreaking frowns.

This day, you realized that even though you thought that you finally made it home,

You were stranded in the middle of nowhere all alone.

This day, you knew that even though you thought that life ran out of lemon stock to give you,

It’ll always throw a bunch at you to slap you and alert you.

This day, you got burnt, got cheated, lost faith in yourself, and got hurt.

This day, you doubted all you’ve said, all you’ve done, all you’ve heard, and all you’ve felt.

This day, brought you tears, and achieved your worst terrifying fear.

This day, you prayed to god to give you the strength to survive those coming days.

This day, you closed your eyes and made a wish to fast forward through those coming days,

In hopes that that you can safely and with the least damage, reach that one day!

Übermensch

2009-11-01T14:11:00.000+02:00

A brilliant man he was,
That’s what they say.
A man with no fears or anxieties!
A great poet; who most certainly lead a lyrical yet tragic life.
He valued everyone & appreciated everything about them.
Every single aspect in life captivated his attention,
But nothing trembled his insides.
And that was his tragic flaw!!
He valued everyone,
but loved no one!
“Non- wrathful Achilles” was his designated name amongst his circle.
He stood up and fought for everyone,
But he cared for non of the matter s!
He was never in pain, and never in agony.
Some called him “Tin-Man”,
And others called him “Übermensch”.
Some loathed him,
And others loved him.
Some feared him,
And others trusted him.
But all in all, he never passed someone’s life unremembered.
He was accused of being a mischievous fraud,
And was recognized as being genuinely sincere.
He wrote epic tales,
Yet witnessed non of them!
He never tried to get something where there was nothing,
And his grace never had an ugly picture of itself.
His most precious possession was a white canvas,
For the innate set of possibilities it withheld;
In which he didn’t believe in any.
He was the exception of the rule,
And he’s the one who created that rule.
He shattered everyone’s illusional realities,
And created their preference for new dreams.
There are endless words and not enough space in the spectrum of languages to describe who he was.
However, with all the names he was called,
He was never called or perceived as a fool!!

Six Steps

2008-09-25T23:09:00.001+02:00

Six steps ahead,
Four behind,
…and two that were supposed to be defining.
But only six ahead,
with a thought pondering: are they enough?
six steps?!
Six steps seem to be a lot.
Though they're not,
they're deceiving,
For time is a cheating bastard that catches each step off guard; mockingly!
Four steps ago the entire journey began;
where the first step took stand,
and two steps ago the picture should’ve been clear,
but that didn’t happen!
Time is being raced, yet standing still,
Looking ahead with one thought in mind: there are still six more steps to go!
A whole lot of six steps!
Or are they only six steps?!!

Head Held High

2008-09-25T23:07:00.001+02:00

The streets of this town are crowded with people and noises,
and there she comes from a distant so far away….
the glance in her eyes means and represents two things:
the first is a destination she’s heading towards, and the second is a feel of loneliness…
She walks with her head held high…
held high with pride, and held high as if no one else is walking in that road but her….
Though things are exceedingly loud around her; she hears nothing but hymn and whisper…
The atmosphere around her is very blurry, but her determination is crystal clear…
Determination to reach a certain aim….and not just any aim…
Her eyes speak out that that aim is what her life depends on…
Her entire future seems to be held on a string till she accomplishes her aim…
Who she was lead to this determination;
Who she is needs to accomplish and reach that destination;
And who she will be depends on the moment she reaches it….
And I’m just standing in my terrace watching her walk by..
And like her; I can only see her…
The atmosphere around me is just a whisper….
I’m feeling her; and as much as she wants to reach that destination; as much as I wanna indulge in that determination of hers…
But after a few moments of watching her…the truth struck me as lightning…
A weird vibe is coming out of her…
Despite her determination, strength, clarity, and independence; she screams out a feel of loss….
Loss of her past and loss of her identity…
This girl is without a doubt lost…
She knows she is someone…
She knows she is going somewhere….
She knows she’s significant…
But she doesn’t know who she is; and most importantly she doesn’t know where she’s going
…….all of this with her head still held high!!

…..and the Hunchback says: “I am cool…I’m great…I’m awesome”

2008-02-05T10:46:00.000+02:00

Do you ever stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath, and reassure yourself while reciting repeatedly; “I am cool….I’m great….I’m awesome”? Well…I have been doing that a lot in the past two months. Every morning before going to work, I look in the mirror with a huge grin on my face and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”, and repeat the same thing before I go to bed at night. Let me make this clear, I am at a state where everything in my life is Ok. Not cool, not great, and not awesome! But simply ok!!!

I figured that this is the only way that will allow me to live in peace with myself, well…actually not with my self but more with my surroundings. But then again, I wonder, is this helping? Is it making me live in harmony or rather live in denial? I honestly don’t know, I mean I’m numb…nothing much gets to me, even the things that should!! People expect me to react in a certain way towards certain things, which I don’t anymore, and they all think that I’m lying to them or hiding how I feel from them, but truly that’s not the case. I am just simply OK!! I have no problem whatsoever with anything “bad” or “horrid” that comes along the way. All I have to do is just pull back when shit hits the fan, or about to hit it. I believe that in this life there are lost causes, things that can’t be controlled, and that there are things better left unsaid! Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself in the back of my head whenever I’m reciting the “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome” monologue everyday. Based on my personal experiences in life, I’ve learned that its better to play it safe, pull back whenever you feel like you’re losing, and there is no use crying over spilt milk (or in my case, there is no use crying over -to be- spilt milk).

The problem here is not the fact that I’m turning into a complete psychotic freak who talks to her self everyday, but rather the physical set backs, or inconveniences that have been happening to me ever since I started my daily routine; lack of sleep, waking up with a swollen eye, shortness of breath, and anxiety attacks. At first I thought that these incidents were random and have to do with the change of weather or allergy or even simple stress. However, after thorough thinking; only today, I found out that these aren’t at all random incidents, but they are a manifestation of all the bottled, suppressed, and unexpressed feelings that I am hiding; not from people, but from my self!! Actually, I have a confession, next to the daily routine; I have taken another unhealthy diet that definitely has to do with the lack of sleep that I’m having. I have taken the diet that includes only three components: coffee, cigarettes, and occasional sleeping pills (when the lack of sleep starts kicking in majorly). Anyhow, that’s a side bar; back to my first point; I was able to finally make the link between each and every incident that I have something to say or to do in but I chose not to, and the physical manifestations that happen to occur after my exposure to those incidents.

Turns out that I haven’t been honest to my self at all lately, I am taking a job that I am not very much fond of, living an ordinary life, and just surrendering to my surroundings. Don’t get me wrong; I am not a passive person, on the contrary; deep down inside I am a fighter. But as a result of my losses before, and being raised in an Egyptian conservative society where I have to suppress a lot of views as girl, I have learned that as a fighter; I should pick my battles. I still have the urge to fight till this very day, but it’s either that the battles aren’t worth fighting for, or the ones that are worth fighting for are already lost from my side. As result, I end up not fighting at all!! In addition to this, I am a very emotional person. Before, I used to be able to cry my self to sleep whenever anything bothers me or effects me (this might sound sad; but it is truly the best way for cleansing). However, now crying isn’t even an option; not in front of anyone, and most definitely not when I am alone. I can’t shed a tear even if I want to!! I keep telling my self “you’re strong, don’t cry, there is no need to cry” and then I look into the mirror and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!

I have to say that I miss those old voices and characters in my head that I used to interact with whenever I was upset. I used to confront them with how I feel (crazy you think? but it really helps the process of venting). Sadly now, whenever I imagine such characters again, all I end up telling them is “don’t worry, I am fine” and end this fictional conversation with “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!

So yeah….now, I am fighter who is paralyzed and can’t speak out and stand up for her rights, an emotionally crippled creature who can’t shed a tear, and a dreamer who lost all the means of imagination that a dreamer should have! Here is how I made the link; whenever I surrender from a fight or a challenge; I suffer from shortness of breath; whenever I get exposed to a highly emotional situation and I don’t cry; I wake up with a swollen eye, and all of that with almost daily lack of sleep and occasional anxiety attacks.

I wonder if I should still embrace the new way of this numb life? I know it has its set backs, but its making my life easier, socially and professionally. I agree that I freak out occasionally, and over react sometimes, but overall I am comfortably numb. I believe that’s better than tipping on my toes 24/7 as I used to do before.

The real question here is; in ten years from now; do I want to see my self as a healthy, normal looking human who goes through mood swings, hysterical fits, and emotional roller coasters? Or would I rather see my self as a comfortably numb, calm, grinning Hunchback with a swollen eye, heaving voice, and a pale face, still looking in the mirror every morning reciting “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”????!!!!

...that I haven’t figured out yet!! I might need solitude…I don’t know…I am not mentally well…but I am still cool….still great…and still AWSOME!!

The Divine Secret of the Ya-Ya Synchro club: Cold hands; Warm hearts!!

2008-01-21T15:23:00.001+02:00

In a few days from now I will have to attend a wedding. Though I hate all sorts of weddings and all that happen in such occasions, this one is rather special. It’s the wedding of one of my childhood friends. I knew her since I was 11 years old; so it makes us friends for over a decade now. We met when we were in the synchronized swimming team…..actually its not the friend specifically that want to talk about here, but it’s the entire atmosphere that accompanied us as little “synchro girls” as we used to call ourselves; spending endless hours doing nothing but training, and our only entertainment was us joking around with each other to make the hours pass by.

Thinking back on the synchro days gives me the chill. I still remember when we used to swim for hours in the winter in the cold water. Funny how they insisted to keep the water cold, even in the winter; actually, especially in the WINTER!!! We used to stand at the ends of the pool singing and sometimes begging our coach “Coach, please have mercy, its freezing cold” (Coach, allah ye7’aleeky 2el donya bard; 2el donya bard). In addition to the normal training days, there were the competitions where we had to stay in the water for 5 minutes and out in the air for the next five, and still FUNNY that most competitions were also in the winter!! And the water still not heated, but as cold as an ice berg!!

Though it all sounds like torture, the long training hours, the fierce exercise, and the freezing water, and the rain sometimes; I just can not help but having a huge smile on my face while reminiscing these days. See, for me it’s not about the cold, the wetness, the muscle strains, nor the toughness of our coaches and judges. For me it’s all about the cheers, the laughs, the support, and the bond that we achieved in both trainings and competitions. We were like inseparable sisters, which spent each and every moment of the day together; confiding to one another, competing with grace, and taking care of each other.

Ironic isn’t it? That in such a chilling, cold, and freezing environment was born a relationship that is so warm and genuine that it lasted till this very day. I guess that is the divine secret of the Ya-Ya sisterhood synchro club; in the coldest surroundings came the warmest of hearts!!

Turning cold up there: How can someone creative trun cold, and how can they bounce back?

2008-01-21T15:11:00.000+02:00

Ok…so they say that the right hemisphere of the brain is the creative side. It is the side that is in control of one’s imaginations, visual thoughts, artistic works, and musical sense. It is what makes the geniuses of the world such as Mozart, Van Gogh, Leonardo DaVinci, Beethoven, Fellini, and many other great artistic minds of the ancient and the modern world become who they are. But have you ever thought of Beethoven behind a desk doing paper work from 9 to 5 each day? What would such a thing do to him? And where would he be now if he led such a routine like life?

Notice quite well that I haven’t mentioned any writers above, not because I see them any less of great minds than the ones mentioned; but because today I will not be talking about a writer’s block, but I will be talking about “Creative Coldness” in general.

“Creative Coldness” as I define it would be; the lack of any creative or innovative thoughts in one’s mind; which could lead to a life of indifference and a low drive to even try. How would I know such a condition? I would because that’s what I’m going through these days.

Ever since I was little girl I have been surrounded by artistic minds and talents. I used to dance, sing, and participate in school shows and plays. Even when I grew up; I couldn’t stand apart from that crowd; I was an active member at the university choir, and worked in various stage productions outside of my school. I only did it because I loved it, not because I was getting anything of it such as money, because I never did. I loved the thrill of creating something new from scratch, and seeing how it can grow before one’s eyes to be displayed or performed in its end form to the audience. I still maintained such life even after I graduated and started working. However, at some point I had other financial obligations that I had to go find another job that is more demanding but pays better.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my new job, but unfortunately not as much as I loved working at the theatre. The problem is that with this job, I have no time to commit to anything else but the job; it’s all about the job!!! If only I can do both….go to work in the morning and then rehearse a play at the evening after working hours. That’s my dream these days.

I am not trying to whine here, but I started finding my self reaching a red zone where it would be very hard for me to return from. My right hemisphere is not being exercised enough…and I noticed that when I was at a brainstorming session at CONVO talking about the new issue. There it hit me!! I have no thoughts or ideas…it’s like I’ve turned dry…no not dry, COLD! That’s why I decide writing this article…trying to find out the reasons that have made me reach such a point, and maybe by finding the reasons I’d be able to find the solution to my problem. This article is also dedicated towards those who used to live in an artistic environment but due to growing up and social and financial obligations they had to take stable, desk, and suit up with 9 to 5 jobs. The first indicator for you to know that you are in the red zone, is that when you find your self in a situation that was the easiest for you to handle creatively and you no longer can!! This is when you should take action.

The only reason that I can see behind such “Creative Coldness” is routine, and only routine!! Routine is what will make our brains go numb, like any muscle if it doesn’t get enough exercise it will turn cold. That’s why I believe that the ultimate solution for such a problem is trying to break the routine by any means trying to be involved in activities that will stimulate our creative minds again.

Personally, I believe that we have to force our selves into finding time for the things we love. Maybe take an hour daily or weekly dancing, singing, writing, drawing, or acting. With each week passing by, we should double the amount of time spent on that activity. Also, it would be better to engage in more that one activity as to stimulate our sense again. In addition to this; a very effective method that learned from my friends that went through this before me is meditating. Meditating will allow us to disconnect from the rest of the worries of work and life, and later on be able to focus on dong that special thing that we love without getting distracted whatsoever.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: “Love thy self” and do the things that you love, don’t get caught up in the worries of everyday; or else you will fund your life passing by in no time without achieving anything that you love. This is when you will fee that you entire life was all in vain. Learn how to stir up your creativity and warming it up…no one will tell you how to do that except yourself. Only you can know what to do….and only you who will allow your self to bounce from creative coldness to creative warmness.

The Art of Wasting Time

2008-01-20T21:55:00.000+02:00

Ever since I have been assigned to write this article, I have been running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out what to write about. There is so many to write about and so little at the same time. The Egyptian streets are extremely inspirational and yet frustrating at the same time, they can either produce a writer, or a perspective suicidal maniac. Anyway, I decided to stay in and try to get inspired by what I watch on TV or read online; still nothing!!!

As the clock kept on ticking indicating the time passing, I couldn’t help to realize that I’ve wasted so much time on my hands doing absolutely nothing!! The thought was just scary. All I could think of was that this was lost time of my life that I will never be able to regain. I started going back with my memory on all those days were I had millions of things to do, and I ended up doing nothing because I just wasted my time in mere nothingness. And only then I got inspired. As I recall, my dad always called me the queen of wasting time, however the thought never hit me expect now. I decided to write an article about how to do anything (2ay 7aga), and I mean anything that is time wasting if you want to pass time in your office or at school when you’re simply not the mood to be productive.

Please bear in mind that this is a destructive rather than an instructive article, but I believe in the saying “If you want to do something wrong then you might as well do it right”.

Now that I’ve introduced you all to the idea; here we go.

There are billions of things a person can do to in order to waste while working or studying without being caught by your boss or your parents. We all know that we are all stuck in a certain venue, either at the office or at a desk, till a certain hour of the day. So if you want to pass or waste your time, the least thing you should do is to try to enjoy that wasted time while pretending to be working at the same time.

The key rule here is to always do things that involve work or study materials.

And the list of time wasting methods begins:
- You can always try to write down your thoughts on a piece of paper. It is always useful to write what you feel every now and then as a way of releasing some of that anger or frustration that one might be carrying around.
- In addition to this, you can also write down a list of the things that you want to do in your day (things to do list).
- You can also go as far with your imagination and try to write a letter for your self addressing the negative things in you that you would like to change.
- Also you can write down your future plans, and what you would like to achieve in the, lets say, ten years from now.
- Get out your cell phone and start reading all the messages on it, maybe it will remind you of something or someone you forgot about.
- Always keep your desk a mess, so you can always waste an hour or two rearranging it every morning (but don’t forget to mess it through by the time the day is done, so you can do this all over again in the morning).
- I am the kind of person who goes crazy when I forget a certain phrase in a song. What I usually do is try to write it all down to pick up the parts that I could have forgotten.
- The classic trick: Put a magazine or a letter between your books to read (look too serious and all concentrated).
- Drink lots of fluids, like water, coffee, juices so you can be able to go to the bathroom a lot (no one can blame you for fulfilling bodily functions).
- Dissect you pen or mechanical pencil to figure out how it works (this will be very useful in the future when the pen actually breaks, only then you will know how to fix it).
- If you have an internet connection, then you are in time wasting heaven, because the internet is a perfect time waster, you can do almost anything, and no one can prove that you aren’t working if you play it smart.
- You can always do the usual by checking you email, and connecting with people through Facebook, Hi 5, My space, and all those connecting sites.
- You can also update or create your own blog.
- Then you can check out anything you want, like cars, recipes, movies, historical facts, news, ect……
- There are new sites specialized in personality and IQ quizzes. It is always a good idea to take those quizzes; they help you to understand yourself even more. And when you do take them, share the results on Facebook and see your friends’ comments and results. It is really fun!!
- Key point here, is to ALWAYS have a window that is work related open, so that if your boss walked in on you, you can claim that you are researching something that will improve the work environment.
- Also, NEVER play games that may have sound effects.

I know that there are plenty of other ways to waste time, and that others do that more creatively than I do, but I believe it is always best to keep a low profile. The list given for tips is just a brief of what anyone can do in order to waste time at the office. But always remember not to do that daily so that you can still keep your job. A good employee is always entitled for such a day only once a week, probably the last day before weekend where all the work has been hectic and crazy. Enjoy wasting your time. And Remember: Kill time with style!

Who do you succeed for?

2008-01-20T21:32:00.000+02:00

Since we were little children, we keep on dreaming of that glorious day where we will grow up and become successful in life. We project that through many different thoughts and dreams that are unrealistic. Like that day where we will be able to beat up that big kid that bullied around us the whole year, or becoming a famous movie or rock star who will look down and gloat at the people who humiliated us when we were kids. Regardless of what we dreamed of becoming, or how we defined the word success back then; there is only one thing we all tended to have in common; the consent of our parents and making them proud of us. Some of people’s main goal in life is just to follow the foot steps of their parents no matter what they do.

Childhood actual success doesn’t usually exceed the limit of getting a sticker on the forehead, or getting a gold star in our copybooks. To the average person; those achievements are extremely trivial and meaningless. However, that’s not how a child’s mind operates. The first thing that we do when we have that sticker or that golden star is that we try to keep it on for as long as we can, so we can rush to our parents after school hours to just to show them what we’ve achieved.

Striving for our parents’ acknowledgment doesn’t only make us run to them when we get rewarded or successful, but also makes us hide from them when we fail in any kind of way. If we get a black mark on our charts or get a detention; our initial instinct tells us to just hide it and lie. Meanwhile we keep biting our nails off and sweating like a pig anticipating what might happen on the annual parent-teacher conference. We exert all our efforts at the conference to waste time till the meeting is over before our parents can get to reach that teacher that might complain from us. We keep on wondering; will they know? Will they not know? Who could possibly tell them? And what will be their reaction when they find out? It is like disaster waiting to happen! True that part of the reason why we tend to hide such ugly truth is to avoid punishment. However, in the back of our heads; we still don’t want to cause any sort of disappointment to those who raised and provided us since we were born.

This strive of acceptance doesn’t just live with us when we are little children; it still finds a way to grow with us even after we graduate form college. When I look back at the old times when I was in school, I can still see my self standing in my parents’ bedroom early in the morning, trying so hard to be able to tell them that I’m too tired to go to school today, and that I’d rather take a rest and stay in for the day. I was so worried about how they might react, and more or less ashamed of my self; not because I was going to miss things at school, or that I’ll disappoint any of my teachers, but because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. And here I am, 10 years later as a working, independent woman, and you can still see me in my parents’ room early in the morning looking for their approval or consent for staying in for the day and calling in sick. I can, until this very day see that school girl in that outfit worried and looking rather ashamed!!!

It’s great to follow our parents’ footsteps in life just to make them proud of what we’ve become. It’s so fulfilling and easy to have a dream of becoming exactly as our parents, because only then we wouldn’t have to worry about disappointing them. But what should a person do when his/her ultimate goal in life is very different with that of their parents’; maybe even sometimes contradictive with their set of values and ideologies?? How could we make that balance between what we are expected to be, and what we actually want to be?? How could we solve the equation of making our parents proud, yet having some sense of self-fulfillment?? How could we just keep that sparkle in their eyes even when they hear about something that they might dislike while we are very passionate about?

Such questions keep on hunting people my age all the time. We strive to become what we dream of, but we also don’t want to disappoint our parents. We keep on stumbling all over the place trying to solve that riddle, but nothing works. This all leads up to what is now called “Quarter Life Crisis” or “QLC”. QLC is defined as a phase in the life of newly graduates who suffer from anxiety and uncertainty in their lives; which leads them to take random, and undeceive decisions.

I know that our parent’s ultimate goals in life are to see us happy, well off, and successful. But what if our definition of success differs from theirs? Wouldn’t our happiness be more important to them than us following the path of success that they paved for us? Didn’t they tell us since we were children to follow our passions in life, and stand up for what we believe in no matter what? Then how come they expect us to cave easily for their wishes to follow their dreams? I am still striving to make my parents proud of me; on the other hand, I still want to follow my passions that they disapprove of. I know I sound like a stubborn little girl, but history has proved that all the great minds suffered from and fought what is considered “Socially Acceptable” in order to become the great names that they are today.

As I said earlier, I still want to make my parents proud, while being happy doing what I love. This seems like an impossible combination; however I am looking for the answers. How will I solve the problem? That I haven’t yet figured out!!!!!

Volcano

2008-01-20T15:26:00.000+02:00

The surface is cold
Seems very calm and controlled
From the looks of it; it won’t erupt before millions of years
It gets agitated
Triggered
Provoked to explode
Irritated
Many factors aspire it to go wild
And still the surface is quiet
With no signs of reactions
Staying still as a rock
A myth goes around saying that late at night,
The surface slightly moves,
Causing a few drops of liquid to flow
But that’s all to it
A Myth
No one saw it dripping
And no one heard it weeping
Some say that it does that every night
And others say that it only does that when the town kids throw stones in it
This mountain body has been quiet with no eruptions for many years
None of the town’s people can even remember the last time they heard about its last eruption
The town’s people aren’t afraid of it
They camp around it,
Go to picnics on its tip,
And decorate it on Christmas
However, they started abusing it lately
They burn garbage next to it,
Throw stones on it,
And store disposals on it
Not aware of its danger
They abuse it more and more
And the myth is coming to life
But that they don’t know
They take it for granted
But the volcano is about to explode
And those dripping weeps will turn into a waterfall of lava
Eventually the volcano will erupt
And the lava that has been boiling for years in a small space,
Will get the chance to burst in a vast space
Maybe people will get hurt
Maybe the mountain vessel that contains it will get destroyed
But the volcano is now weeping out of pain
The only way that will relieve its pain is through this eruption
The lava has been boiling for years and needs a crack to be set free through
The volcano is awaiting
The volcano is weeping
The volcano needs to be released!!

Misfortunate Sunday "The Sound of Silence"

2008-01-20T13:04:00.001+02:00

Sunday 15th of May 2005, was a day that I was looking forward to spend and have been planning for two weeks. It was a day that was crammed with a very busy schedule of errands, duties, meetings, and gatherings. The program of the day was to go shopping with a friend to buy our new summer clothes, have lunch, pick up the dress that I will wear in my best friends wedding, and have dinner with friends that I haven’t seen for ages. Although it sounded very hectic, it still felt great and fun to spend since I have been unoccupied for some time, which could be depressingly dull.

I woke up that morning feeling fresh and active, a feeling that I haven’t experienced for a while. I felt needed, and pleased with the fact that people depended on me to assist them. I got out of my bed at about 9.30 AM (which is considered early for what I am used to), I went to the bathroom to take my morning shower, and then I slipped and fell in the bathtub and hit my head. It was nothing serious or anything but, it caused me to go through the worst headache that ended up accompanying me for the reset of the day.

Anyhow, I got up gracefully, and went to my room to get dressed, for my surprise after 15 minutes of extensive search for my favorite pink shirt with purple laces; I found out that it was dirty and had to go to the dry cleaning, as a result I ended up wearing my uncomfortable blue shirt instead.

After wards, I headed for the kitchen to have my breakfast, because I know that this would be my only chance to eat in the coming hours. Then in the kitchen, I found out that we have run out of toast and even worse, we have run out of orange juice! How can we run out of orange juice, when I have just bought a new bottle the day before? Orange juice is what keeps me refreshed in the morning, and it gives me energy. In addition to this, having orange juice in the morning is what my mother taught me to do since I was 5 years old.

Any normal human being would think what a horrible way to start a day. Falling in the bathtub, not being able to wear my favorite shirt, and then running out of breakfast material, talking about DOMSETIC DISTURBANCE!! These accidents could be all signs of an unlucky day ahead of me, but no, not me, I would not think like that with my bright mood, nothing could affect it. I also thought to myself that what happened to me so far, could make the bad luck vibe of the day to come to an end. With a huge smile on my face, I left my house, trying to get through to my best friend on the cell phone to tell him about my day; it is a daily thing that we carry out. Unfortunately, I couldn’t reach him, he wasn’t picking up, and I was dying to tell him about what happened to me back home.

Anyway, as I was walking out of my building I decided to go through my mailbox where I found my phone bill. As much as discouraging it was to read it, I wasn’t surprised, I was fully aware of the tons of calls that I made this month. I was just worried about my parent’s reaction when they find out. However, that was no time for worries; I am ready and set to start my day. As I got in my car and started driving, I realized I was in the mood to listen to some music, so I decided to put on the radio. As I turned it on, I recognized the song that was playing, it was my favorite song, and I haven’t heard it for ages, but to my bad luck, it was culminating. I missed my favorite song; I missed the chance to listen to “The Sound of Silence” by “Simon & Garfunkel”, but at least I got to listen to the last verse. Not being affected a single bit by that, I kept on driving still suffering from that terrible headache that I got earlier, and trying to get through to my best friend who still wasn’t picking up.

After a long drive from Zamalek to Maadi, I reached my first stop of the day; it was at my friend’s place. My friend Laura and I go way back, since we were mates in the synchronized swimming team 10 years ago. She is not my best friend; because we contradict in many things, but I consider her one of my close friends. We share many similar interests, and we have many common friends outside of the synchronized swimming society. Laura is very caring and sweet. On the other hand, she is not emotionally driven, she is very practical, logical, and puts her interest before anything else. Although we get along, sometimes she can get really provocative and loud, especially when her sarcastic humor kicks in. Laura is very good looking who loves dressing classically.

I was waiting for Laura in my car as I kept trying to call her because she was 10 minutes late. She finally picked up after the fifth time, as she picked up she kept apologizing for being late telling me that she over slept and didn’t hear the alarm clock, and that she’ll be downstairs in 15 minutes. I was not mad at her for being late, I was just starting to get worried because we had a very busy program, and with her lateness, we became 30 minutes behind our schedule. While I was waiting for her in my car, I couldn’t think of anything other than the crucial pain in my head, so I decided to look for any drug store next to Laura’s house where I can find an antibiotic, but I couldn’t find any, except one that was still closed. I returned to Laura’s house, where she was waiting for me, she got in the car, and we started our voyage.

Laura and I have a seasonal habit, where we go shopping together for new seasonal clothes and with the summer starting to arrive, it was time to browse for new flip-flops, bathing suits, T-shirts, sleeveless shirts, shorts, and summer dresses. However, this time I had one extra thing on my list, a new pair of jeans. I became in essential need for a new pair of jeans since my current pair of jeans loosened after I started losing weight. I have been searching for the suitable pair for more than a month (I am very picky and selective when it comes to my jeans, that’s because I end up wearing them almost all the time), I finally found the perfect pair two days earlier, but unfortunately I didn’t have enough money with me then. But I was fully set and prepared to buy them on that Sunday.

After a very successful shopping tour that Laura and I accomplished across Maadi, Mohandeseen, and Zamalek, we finally reached the jeans store Down Town. As we walked into the store, with me being so excited to show them to Laura, the sales woman told me that the last pair that could fit me was SOLD OUT!! I was in real state of shock and disappointment, because I called the store the day before to make sure that it was still in stock, and the manger told me that they still have a few more pairs. How could they just all of sudden get sold out in such a short time??!!

I have to admit that I was a bit frustrated at that point, so I decided to buy a pack of cigarettes (I only smoke when I am frustrated or when I am working). Laura noticed my frustration, so she suggested that we go hang out anywhere to have lunch and a few drinks, so that I can chill out. We both agreed to go to a place that has shisha and good food, so we went to Tabasco Mohandeseen. It was rather crowded when we got there; as a result, we had to wait for a table. After 30 minutes we managed to get a table, as we both started relaxing and ordering, guess who walked into the café’? My Ex-boyfriend Aly, whom I haven’t seen since we broke up 2 years ago.

Aly and I had a very hard yet a very challenging and a fun relationship, it didn’t last for long, but it was the most life altering relationship that I had. I learned a lot from that experience about life and my self, and I must admit that without it I would not have been who I am today. Though I was absolutely over Aly, and I have moved on with my life, it was hard for me to see him again, especially after I heard from a friend of his that he is going to be engaged in a few months.

I honestly didn’t know how to react when I saw him, because the last time we met was dreadful, we had the ugliest break up of all times. I didn’t know whether to go greet him, or wait for him to do that. I had a lot of conflicting feelings inside of me, I was angry at him, mad because of the way things turned out, but I was also glad to see him again, I thought that this coincidence could lead us to become friends, and believe it or not, I was happy that he was getting engaged. However, I did not have the nerve to go over and talk to him, so I ended up ignoring his presence, which I bet made me look like a jerk, but I just couldn’t do anything about it. As a result, he did not come over as well, so we ended up looking at each other with hatred and disappoint.

After Laura and I finished eating, I just could not wait to get the hell out of that place, and run away from that awkward situation that I put my self into. The time was almost 4.30 PM, and it was half an hour away from my next appointment, where I had to pick up the dress that I will wear in my best friend’s wedding. I was exceptionally eager to see the product of a great deal of thought, work, and effort exerted from both the designer and me. I also lost a lot of weight and paid a lot of money, just to get it designed. Laura was also looking forward to see it, as she has heard me talking about nothing but this dress for the last couple of months.

Anyway, we reached the designer’s office just in time to meet him. He met us with a huge smile on his face, as we walked into his office, which indicates that he is very much pleased with the job he did. He buzzed his assistant to bring in the dress, and then the assistant walked into the door with it. Laura and I became stunned and speechless, the dress was exactly as me and the designer imagined, yet even better, but I was very worried that it might not look that good on me. Gladly, when I tried it on, it turned out to be looking just as perfect as it should.

We left the designer’s office in Mohandeseen at about 5.30 PM, heading towards Misr El Gedida, because we were going to have dinner with our friends that we haven’t seen for months, one of them was flying to live in Paris the next morning, and this was the last chance for us to see her. Before heading towards Misr El Gedida , Laura suggested that we stop to get a couple of coffees in order to become more alert and awake at the dinner, so we did. The 6th October Bridge was extremely crowded, that it took us over an hour on it. When we finally reached the Salah Salem road, there was a reckless driver that almost caused us to have a serious accident, but thank god I managed to step on the breaks at the right time. As I was trying to clear my thoughts from that horrible incident, my eyes caught another accident that occurred. My cup of coffee fell on my dress and got it STAINED!! I could not believe what happened, I was very furious, upset, and very much stressed.

I had no choice but to drive back to Zamalek, and try to get to the dry cleaning shop before the stain gets dry, and ruins my dress for good. Laura thought it was ridiculous to drive all the way back there in such crowded streets just to go to a particular dry cleaning place. But I ignored what she said because I could not risk giving my new, beautiful, expensive dress to any dry cleaning store. I only trust the one in Zamalek, and I wasn’t going to refer to any other dry cleaning store than that in Zamalek.

By the time that we delivered the dress in Zamalek and went back to Misr El Gedida, it was almost 8.30, and we were already an hour and a half late. Nevertheless, our friends were very content to see us, and they were very understanding to the situation that caused us to arrive late. As Laura was mingling with everyone, I was feeling very tired and worn out from all the driving, and the headache that kept getting worse, but as time passed by, I was feeling slightly better, and started enjoying my time. There was lots of catching up to discuss with everyone, and I was so glad to see everyone safe and sound again.

I had a great time, but it was time to leave. I had a couple of extra errands to do, I was supposed to drive Laura to Maadi, and go pick up my dress from the dry cleaning. As I was reaching in my purse to bring out my car keys, shockingly I could not find them. I got so nervous, and I checked every side pocket in my purse, I also asked Laura to do so (she might have accidentally put them in hers). I went into the restaurant that we were in and spoke to the manager, but there wasn’t a single trace leading to the keys. I even started calling all the people that were with us, but none of them could find the keys. I decided to call my best friend, maybe he’ll pick up this time, and he finally did.

Once he heard of what happened to me, he offered that he would go to my house and take the spare keys form my mum and bring them to me. His thoughtful gesture started making me feel relieved and relaxed. Then Laura struck me with her news, telling me that she has a babysitting appointment in Maadi, and that she couldn’t wait till someone brings me the spare keys all the way from Zamalek. She even called one of our friends that were with us, and asked him to return so that he can drive her to Maadi. I know that she had things to do, but at that point, I was so frustrated and upset, that I started lashing it out on her.

After Laura left me behind, there I was standing all alone in the middle of the street, feeling so helpless and vulnerable. At that moment, I broke down like a little baby, and I started crying from my frustration, and from the headache that felt like someone was squeezing my brain. I couldn’t help think of how lousy my day turned to be. The manger of the restaurant saw me standing alone, and he offered me to wait inside, he even got me complimentary lemon juice. I know that what he did was extremely nice, but the action of his made me feel even worse. It made me feel that he was pitting me, while my own friends left me behind. I couldn’t help but feeling cheap, and sorry for my self.

After an hour and a half waiting in the restaurant, Ahmed, my best friend arrived with my spare keys. He could see how much I was devastated, but we had no time to talk, because he was supposed to meet his fiancée and her parents, and he was already running late. Accordingly, I thanked him for his sweet gesture, and went on my way to go home. While I was driving back home I kept wondering how can someone with a bright mood similar to the one I had this morning end up down, upset, and almost depressed. I could not think of anything but how horrid, frustrating, disappointing, and nerve wrecking my day turned to be. I hit my head in the bathtub, couldn’t wear my favourite and comfortable shirt, couldn’t have breakfast, received a very expensive phone bill, missed my favourite song, couldn’t find the jeans that I was dying to get, bumped into my Ex-Boyfriend, almost ruined my new dress, lost my car keys, and finally being DITCHED by my own friends!!!

I was aware that most of what happened to me on that day could happen to anyone, but it is the accumulating occurrence of these events in one day, is what drove me to be in the state I was in. I walked into my house looking all depressed, I couldn’t speak or talk to anyone, I headed straight to my room. Then I went to take a long, warm, and relaxing shower, and then it struck me. I realized that I needed to get disconnected form everything for a while, and the first step to achieve that was to switch off my cell phone. I felt the need to be isolated and alone for a while, that I needed time to recharge.

As I laid my head on my pillow, I began to understand and comprehend the words of “Simon & Garfunkle’s” classic “The Sound of Silence”. The words touched and tingled me inside:
“Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again, because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping, and the vision that was planted in my brain, Still Remains… Within the Sound of Silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone, Narrow streets of cobblestone, 'Neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp, when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, that split the night….And touched the Sound of Silence.”

As I shuffle and browsed the words through in my head, I came to the realization that made me know, that all I need is to be in a status where no one and no thing could disturb my Sound of Silence.

The Conflict Within Me

2008-01-20T01:22:00.000+02:00

What am I?
Am I a girl, or a woman?
A lover or a player?
A true teller or a liar?
Something or nothing?
Real or fake?
An achiever or a wanna be?
But most of all, I have to wonder:
WHO AM I?
A thinker or a romantic?
Am I a person with a free will, or a manufactured product of society?
If I’m a person with a free will, then why am I bound?
And if I am a product, should I be the one to condemn, or the people who manufactured me?
But either way I am not any of the things above.
For I am a wanderer between two worlds,
Two extremes,
Black and white.
But what’s tearing me up inside is that I don’t know which is black or which is white.
By heart is torn, and my brain is over thought.
I keep asking my self:
Are you happy?
Are you content?
Are you proud?
There is only one answer that seems to haunt me: NO I AM NOT!!!!
As I said, I am a wanderer, I am lost.
I know what I was, I know what I wanna be.
But I can’t be either.
For I am stuck.
Confused.
Angry.
Frustrated.
And incomplete.
I should break through and redeem my self from all the ties.
I must release my emotions, let the inner me rule.
Find the missing pieces to complete me.
But the more I try, the more I fail.
I just can’t.
Something is holding me back.
What is it I don’t know?
But I am tired of trying, and I am drained.
Who am I trying to please?
And what am I trying to prove?
What ever is it that I do, is just not right.
Quench is the word.
And quench is the answer.
Quench my desires!!
Quench my yearning to be alive!!
Quench the lusts that I have!!!
But I’m falling apart.
For I am frail.
I need a helping hand, as I am getting weaker.
I need the will to struggle.
I need to be contained.
For I am in pain!
Agony!
Torture!
And misery!
And all I a can do is just scream.
That’s all I’m capable of.
Scream!!!
But the more I scream, the less my scream is heard.
As I bay and cry to the moon,
I could only wonder,
What am I?
Am I girl or a woman?
Who am I?
A person with a free will, or a product?
But what I know for sure,
Is that I am a believer.
But a believer of what?
I have no clue!!!