This day, One day

Today, everyone keeps telling you that one day it’ll all be fine,

One day, you’ll find out that it’s all for the best,

One day, all the pain will go away.

Now I’m sure that one day I’ll be strong,

One day, I’ll be standing on my feet with my head held high,

One day, I’ll look back and may not even remember how it felt on this day.

I’m not a slightest bit concerned, I have full faith in reaching all of that one day.

But you see, this is not about one day,

This is all about today and what happened this day.

This day, life as you knew it changed,

Rainbows turned into stormy gloomy clouds,

And smiles turned into heartbreaking frowns.

This day, you realized that even though you thought that you finally made it home,

You were stranded in the middle of nowhere all alone.

This day, you knew that even though you thought that life ran out of lemon stock to give you,

It’ll always throw a bunch at you to slap you and alert you.

This day, you got burnt, got cheated, lost faith in yourself, and got hurt.

This day, you doubted all you’ve said, all you’ve done, all you’ve heard, and all you’ve felt.

This day, brought you tears, and achieved your worst terrifying fear.

This day, you prayed to god to give you the strength to survive those coming days.

This day, you closed your eyes and made a wish to fast forward through those coming days,

In hopes that that you can safely and with the least damage, reach that one day!

Übermensch

A brilliant man he was,
That’s what they say.
A man with no fears or anxieties!
A great poet; who most certainly lead a lyrical yet tragic life.
He valued everyone & appreciated everything about them.
Every single aspect in life captivated his attention,
But nothing trembled his insides.
And that was his tragic flaw!!
He valued everyone,
but loved no one!
“Non- wrathful Achilles” was his designated name amongst his circle.
He stood up and fought for everyone,
But he cared for non of the matter s!
He was never in pain, and never in agony.
Some called him “Tin-Man”,
And others called him “Übermensch”.
Some loathed him,
And others loved him.
Some feared him,
And others trusted him.
But all in all, he never passed someone’s life unremembered.
He was accused of being a mischievous fraud,
And was recognized as being genuinely sincere.
He wrote epic tales,
Yet witnessed non of them!
He never tried to get something where there was nothing,
And his grace never had an ugly picture of itself.
His most precious possession was a white canvas,
For the innate set of possibilities it withheld;
In which he didn’t believe in any.
He was the exception of the rule,
And he’s the one who created that rule.
He shattered everyone’s illusional realities,
And created their preference for new dreams.
There are endless words and not enough space in the spectrum of languages to describe who he was.
However, with all the names he was called,
He was never called or perceived as a fool!!

Six Steps

Six steps ahead,
Four behind,
…and two that were supposed to be defining.
But only six ahead,
with a thought pondering: are they enough?
six steps?!
Six steps seem to be a lot.
Though they're not,
they're deceiving,
For time is a cheating bastard that catches each step off guard; mockingly!
Four steps ago the entire journey began;
where the first step took stand,
and two steps ago the picture should’ve been clear,
but that didn’t happen!
Time is being raced, yet standing still,
Looking ahead with one thought in mind: there are still six more steps to go!
A whole lot of six steps!
Or are they only six steps?!!

Head Held High

The streets of this town are crowded with people and noises,
and there she comes from a distant so far away….
the glance in her eyes means and represents two things:
the first is a destination she’s heading towards, and the second is a feel of loneliness…
She walks with her head held high…
held high with pride, and held high as if no one else is walking in that road but her….
Though things are exceedingly loud around her; she hears nothing but hymn and whisper…
The atmosphere around her is very blurry, but her determination is crystal clear…
Determination to reach a certain aim….and not just any aim…
Her eyes speak out that that aim is what her life depends on…
Her entire future seems to be held on a string till she accomplishes her aim…
Who she was lead to this determination;
Who she is needs to accomplish and reach that destination;
And who she will be depends on the moment she reaches it….
And I’m just standing in my terrace watching her walk by..
And like her; I can only see her…
The atmosphere around me is just a whisper….
I’m feeling her; and as much as she wants to reach that destination; as much as I wanna indulge in that determination of hers…
But after a few moments of watching her…the truth struck me as lightning…
A weird vibe is coming out of her…
Despite her determination, strength, clarity, and independence; she screams out a feel of loss….
Loss of her past and loss of her identity…
This girl is without a doubt lost…
She knows she is someone…
She knows she is going somewhere….
She knows she’s significant…
But she doesn’t know who she is; and most importantly she doesn’t know where she’s going
…….all of this with her head still held high!!

…..and the Hunchback says: “I am cool…I’m great…I’m awesome”

Do you ever stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath, and reassure yourself while reciting repeatedly; “I am cool….I’m great….I’m awesome”? Well…I have been doing that a lot in the past two months. Every morning before going to work, I look in the mirror with a huge grin on my face and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”, and repeat the same thing before I go to bed at night. Let me make this clear, I am at a state where everything in my life is Ok. Not cool, not great, and not awesome! But simply ok!!!

I figured that this is the only way that will allow me to live in peace with myself, well…actually not with my self but more with my surroundings. But then again, I wonder, is this helping? Is it making me live in harmony or rather live in denial? I honestly don’t know, I mean I’m numb…nothing much gets to me, even the things that should!! People expect me to react in a certain way towards certain things, which I don’t anymore, and they all think that I’m lying to them or hiding how I feel from them, but truly that’s not the case. I am just simply OK!! I have no problem whatsoever with anything “bad” or “horrid” that comes along the way. All I have to do is just pull back when shit hits the fan, or about to hit it. I believe that in this life there are lost causes, things that can’t be controlled, and that there are things better left unsaid! Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself in the back of my head whenever I’m reciting the “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome” monologue everyday. Based on my personal experiences in life, I’ve learned that its better to play it safe, pull back whenever you feel like you’re losing, and there is no use crying over spilt milk (or in my case, there is no use crying over -to be- spilt milk).

The problem here is not the fact that I’m turning into a complete psychotic freak who talks to her self everyday, but rather the physical set backs, or inconveniences that have been happening to me ever since I started my daily routine; lack of sleep, waking up with a swollen eye, shortness of breath, and anxiety attacks. At first I thought that these incidents were random and have to do with the change of weather or allergy or even simple stress. However, after thorough thinking; only today, I found out that these aren’t at all random incidents, but they are a manifestation of all the bottled, suppressed, and unexpressed feelings that I am hiding; not from people, but from my self!! Actually, I have a confession, next to the daily routine; I have taken another unhealthy diet that definitely has to do with the lack of sleep that I’m having. I have taken the diet that includes only three components: coffee, cigarettes, and occasional sleeping pills (when the lack of sleep starts kicking in majorly). Anyhow, that’s a side bar; back to my first point; I was able to finally make the link between each and every incident that I have something to say or to do in but I chose not to, and the physical manifestations that happen to occur after my exposure to those incidents.

Turns out that I haven’t been honest to my self at all lately, I am taking a job that I am not very much fond of, living an ordinary life, and just surrendering to my surroundings. Don’t get me wrong; I am not a passive person, on the contrary; deep down inside I am a fighter. But as a result of my losses before, and being raised in an Egyptian conservative society where I have to suppress a lot of views as girl, I have learned that as a fighter; I should pick my battles. I still have the urge to fight till this very day, but it’s either that the battles aren’t worth fighting for, or the ones that are worth fighting for are already lost from my side. As result, I end up not fighting at all!! In addition to this, I am a very emotional person. Before, I used to be able to cry my self to sleep whenever anything bothers me or effects me (this might sound sad; but it is truly the best way for cleansing). However, now crying isn’t even an option; not in front of anyone, and most definitely not when I am alone. I can’t shed a tear even if I want to!! I keep telling my self “you’re strong, don’t cry, there is no need to cry” and then I look into the mirror and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!

I have to say that I miss those old voices and characters in my head that I used to interact with whenever I was upset. I used to confront them with how I feel (crazy you think? but it really helps the process of venting). Sadly now, whenever I imagine such characters again, all I end up telling them is “don’t worry, I am fine” and end this fictional conversation with “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!

So yeah….now, I am fighter who is paralyzed and can’t speak out and stand up for her rights, an emotionally crippled creature who can’t shed a tear, and a dreamer who lost all the means of imagination that a dreamer should have! Here is how I made the link; whenever I surrender from a fight or a challenge; I suffer from shortness of breath; whenever I get exposed to a highly emotional situation and I don’t cry; I wake up with a swollen eye, and all of that with almost daily lack of sleep and occasional anxiety attacks.

I wonder if I should still embrace the new way of this numb life? I know it has its set backs, but its making my life easier, socially and professionally. I agree that I freak out occasionally, and over react sometimes, but overall I am comfortably numb. I believe that’s better than tipping on my toes 24/7 as I used to do before.

The real question here is; in ten years from now; do I want to see my self as a healthy, normal looking human who goes through mood swings, hysterical fits, and emotional roller coasters? Or would I rather see my self as a comfortably numb, calm, grinning Hunchback with a swollen eye, heaving voice, and a pale face, still looking in the mirror every morning reciting “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”????!!!!

...that I haven’t figured out yet!! I might need solitude…I don’t know…I am not mentally well…but I am still cool….still great…and still AWSOME!!