Do you ever stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath, and reassure yourself while reciting repeatedly; “I am cool….I’m great….I’m awesome”? Well…I have been doing that a lot in the past two months. Every morning before going to work, I look in the mirror with a huge grin on my face and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”, and repeat the same thing before I go to bed at night. Let me make this clear, I am at a state where everything in my life is Ok. Not cool, not great, and not awesome! But simply ok!!!
I figured that this is the only way that will allow me to live in peace with myself, well…actually not with my self but more with my surroundings. But then again, I wonder, is this helping? Is it making me live in harmony or rather live in denial? I honestly don’t know, I mean I’m numb…nothing much gets to me, even the things that should!! People expect me to react in a certain way towards certain things, which I don’t anymore, and they all think that I’m lying to them or hiding how I feel from them, but truly that’s not the case. I am just simply OK!! I have no problem whatsoever with anything “bad” or “horrid” that comes along the way. All I have to do is just pull back when shit hits the fan, or about to hit it. I believe that in this life there are lost causes, things that can’t be controlled, and that there are things better left unsaid! Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself in the back of my head whenever I’m reciting the “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome” monologue everyday. Based on my personal experiences in life, I’ve learned that its better to play it safe, pull back whenever you feel like you’re losing, and there is no use crying over spilt milk (or in my case, there is no use crying over -to be- spilt milk).
The problem here is not the fact that I’m turning into a complete psychotic freak who talks to her self everyday, but rather the physical set backs, or inconveniences that have been happening to me ever since I started my daily routine; lack of sleep, waking up with a swollen eye, shortness of breath, and anxiety attacks. At first I thought that these incidents were random and have to do with the change of weather or allergy or even simple stress. However, after thorough thinking; only today, I found out that these aren’t at all random incidents, but they are a manifestation of all the bottled, suppressed, and unexpressed feelings that I am hiding; not from people, but from my self!! Actually, I have a confession, next to the daily routine; I have taken another unhealthy diet that definitely has to do with the lack of sleep that I’m having. I have taken the diet that includes only three components: coffee, cigarettes, and occasional sleeping pills (when the lack of sleep starts kicking in majorly). Anyhow, that’s a side bar; back to my first point; I was able to finally make the link between each and every incident that I have something to say or to do in but I chose not to, and the physical manifestations that happen to occur after my exposure to those incidents.
Turns out that I haven’t been honest to my self at all lately, I am taking a job that I am not very much fond of, living an ordinary life, and just surrendering to my surroundings. Don’t get me wrong; I am not a passive person, on the contrary; deep down inside I am a fighter. But as a result of my losses before, and being raised in an Egyptian conservative society where I have to suppress a lot of views as girl, I have learned that as a fighter; I should pick my battles. I still have the urge to fight till this very day, but it’s either that the battles aren’t worth fighting for, or the ones that are worth fighting for are already lost from my side. As result, I end up not fighting at all!! In addition to this, I am a very emotional person. Before, I used to be able to cry my self to sleep whenever anything bothers me or effects me (this might sound sad; but it is truly the best way for cleansing). However, now crying isn’t even an option; not in front of anyone, and most definitely not when I am alone. I can’t shed a tear even if I want to!! I keep telling my self “you’re strong, don’t cry, there is no need to cry” and then I look into the mirror and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!
I have to say that I miss those old voices and characters in my head that I used to interact with whenever I was upset. I used to confront them with how I feel (crazy you think? but it really helps the process of venting). Sadly now, whenever I imagine such characters again, all I end up telling them is “don’t worry, I am fine” and end this fictional conversation with “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!
So yeah….now, I am fighter who is paralyzed and can’t speak out and stand up for her rights, an emotionally crippled creature who can’t shed a tear, and a dreamer who lost all the means of imagination that a dreamer should have! Here is how I made the link; whenever I surrender from a fight or a challenge; I suffer from shortness of breath; whenever I get exposed to a highly emotional situation and I don’t cry; I wake up with a swollen eye, and all of that with almost daily lack of sleep and occasional anxiety attacks.
I wonder if I should still embrace the new way of this numb life? I know it has its set backs, but its making my life easier, socially and professionally. I agree that I freak out occasionally, and over react sometimes, but overall I am comfortably numb. I believe that’s better than tipping on my toes 24/7 as I used to do before.
The real question here is; in ten years from now; do I want to see my self as a healthy, normal looking human who goes through mood swings, hysterical fits, and emotional roller coasters? Or would I rather see my self as a comfortably numb, calm, grinning Hunchback with a swollen eye, heaving voice, and a pale face, still looking in the mirror every morning reciting “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”????!!!!
...that I haven’t figured out yet!! I might need solitude…I don’t know…I am not mentally well…but I am still cool….still great…and still AWSOME!!
4 comments:
You write very well! You are descriptive and articulate. Especially in critiquing yourself. It sounds like you are inclined to pick yourself apart before others do. It's a good method of deflecting criticism, but the trick is to not believe the bad things you say about yourself. Just because you wish you could do certain things better does not mean that you do not do anything well.
Numbness works for me. But I am male. I'm not sure that numbness is healthy for a female. But I would not pretend to understand the inner workings of females. ;-) Whatever works for you is good enough, until you find something better. (Though stimulants like caffeine and nicotine are not helping your anxiety, I would wager.)
Perhaps the simple passage of time, the aging process, will help you most. I felt agitated all the time when I was young. Thankfully that has melted away. Hopefully it will melt away for you as well.
Keep writing! ;-)
i agree with marv, ur writing skills r gr8.
i was at some point as ur describing urself here, no sleep, only intake of any sort was cigarettes and juice.. and i thought all i needed was solitude, when all i really needed was to strengthen my relationship with God and in turn myself.. i felt more serene in no time.. u prolly lost ur way to faith and peace of mind. but its never hard to find ur way back :)
bless!
Marv & proudpal: Thank you so much for your feedback (i am sorry for my belated one though), i am happy that u like my writings and hopefully my future posts would still come to your liking :))
Marv: Cool nickname man :)) I agree that time heels everything, i know i will snap out of this state of mind sooner or later (i always do), but i just feel i am in need to get deeper into it this time; maybe find the answers of the wonderings that i had for a long time. I am numb because i am only observing and not reacting, i need to step back from my life a bit and watch it. You can look at this as a journey of self discovery; and though it has its ups and downs; i am actually content that i am going through it and not fighting it.
Thank you for your support and I'll be waiting to hear your views on the rest of my posts :))
proudpal: As i told Marv, i am numb and in solitude just to observe and asses. Lack of faith as u said might be the reason, but it's not the lack of the religious faith, it's the lack of faith in one's self (at least that's what i think).
Thank you, your blog is truely inspiring, it really did help me :)) Bless you too :))
donno why ProudPali doesnt come out right lol, well dear ur most welcome, we aim to please :D
the faith i meant is any faith, in urself, others, and God, to me it was God i needed to regain my relationship with, with u its urself. in all cases, the way back is always there, just a bit of effort and soul searching :) and that aint easy.. but its do-able.
all the best!
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