…..and the Hunchback says: “I am cool…I’m great…I’m awesome”

Do you ever stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath, and reassure yourself while reciting repeatedly; “I am cool….I’m great….I’m awesome”? Well…I have been doing that a lot in the past two months. Every morning before going to work, I look in the mirror with a huge grin on my face and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”, and repeat the same thing before I go to bed at night. Let me make this clear, I am at a state where everything in my life is Ok. Not cool, not great, and not awesome! But simply ok!!!

I figured that this is the only way that will allow me to live in peace with myself, well…actually not with my self but more with my surroundings. But then again, I wonder, is this helping? Is it making me live in harmony or rather live in denial? I honestly don’t know, I mean I’m numb…nothing much gets to me, even the things that should!! People expect me to react in a certain way towards certain things, which I don’t anymore, and they all think that I’m lying to them or hiding how I feel from them, but truly that’s not the case. I am just simply OK!! I have no problem whatsoever with anything “bad” or “horrid” that comes along the way. All I have to do is just pull back when shit hits the fan, or about to hit it. I believe that in this life there are lost causes, things that can’t be controlled, and that there are things better left unsaid! Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself in the back of my head whenever I’m reciting the “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome” monologue everyday. Based on my personal experiences in life, I’ve learned that its better to play it safe, pull back whenever you feel like you’re losing, and there is no use crying over spilt milk (or in my case, there is no use crying over -to be- spilt milk).

The problem here is not the fact that I’m turning into a complete psychotic freak who talks to her self everyday, but rather the physical set backs, or inconveniences that have been happening to me ever since I started my daily routine; lack of sleep, waking up with a swollen eye, shortness of breath, and anxiety attacks. At first I thought that these incidents were random and have to do with the change of weather or allergy or even simple stress. However, after thorough thinking; only today, I found out that these aren’t at all random incidents, but they are a manifestation of all the bottled, suppressed, and unexpressed feelings that I am hiding; not from people, but from my self!! Actually, I have a confession, next to the daily routine; I have taken another unhealthy diet that definitely has to do with the lack of sleep that I’m having. I have taken the diet that includes only three components: coffee, cigarettes, and occasional sleeping pills (when the lack of sleep starts kicking in majorly). Anyhow, that’s a side bar; back to my first point; I was able to finally make the link between each and every incident that I have something to say or to do in but I chose not to, and the physical manifestations that happen to occur after my exposure to those incidents.

Turns out that I haven’t been honest to my self at all lately, I am taking a job that I am not very much fond of, living an ordinary life, and just surrendering to my surroundings. Don’t get me wrong; I am not a passive person, on the contrary; deep down inside I am a fighter. But as a result of my losses before, and being raised in an Egyptian conservative society where I have to suppress a lot of views as girl, I have learned that as a fighter; I should pick my battles. I still have the urge to fight till this very day, but it’s either that the battles aren’t worth fighting for, or the ones that are worth fighting for are already lost from my side. As result, I end up not fighting at all!! In addition to this, I am a very emotional person. Before, I used to be able to cry my self to sleep whenever anything bothers me or effects me (this might sound sad; but it is truly the best way for cleansing). However, now crying isn’t even an option; not in front of anyone, and most definitely not when I am alone. I can’t shed a tear even if I want to!! I keep telling my self “you’re strong, don’t cry, there is no need to cry” and then I look into the mirror and say “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!

I have to say that I miss those old voices and characters in my head that I used to interact with whenever I was upset. I used to confront them with how I feel (crazy you think? but it really helps the process of venting). Sadly now, whenever I imagine such characters again, all I end up telling them is “don’t worry, I am fine” and end this fictional conversation with “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”!!

So yeah….now, I am fighter who is paralyzed and can’t speak out and stand up for her rights, an emotionally crippled creature who can’t shed a tear, and a dreamer who lost all the means of imagination that a dreamer should have! Here is how I made the link; whenever I surrender from a fight or a challenge; I suffer from shortness of breath; whenever I get exposed to a highly emotional situation and I don’t cry; I wake up with a swollen eye, and all of that with almost daily lack of sleep and occasional anxiety attacks.

I wonder if I should still embrace the new way of this numb life? I know it has its set backs, but its making my life easier, socially and professionally. I agree that I freak out occasionally, and over react sometimes, but overall I am comfortably numb. I believe that’s better than tipping on my toes 24/7 as I used to do before.

The real question here is; in ten years from now; do I want to see my self as a healthy, normal looking human who goes through mood swings, hysterical fits, and emotional roller coasters? Or would I rather see my self as a comfortably numb, calm, grinning Hunchback with a swollen eye, heaving voice, and a pale face, still looking in the mirror every morning reciting “I am cool….I’m great…I’m awesome”????!!!!

...that I haven’t figured out yet!! I might need solitude…I don’t know…I am not mentally well…but I am still cool….still great…and still AWSOME!!

The Divine Secret of the Ya-Ya Synchro club: Cold hands; Warm hearts!!

In a few days from now I will have to attend a wedding. Though I hate all sorts of weddings and all that happen in such occasions, this one is rather special. It’s the wedding of one of my childhood friends. I knew her since I was 11 years old; so it makes us friends for over a decade now. We met when we were in the synchronized swimming team…..actually its not the friend specifically that want to talk about here, but it’s the entire atmosphere that accompanied us as little “synchro girls” as we used to call ourselves; spending endless hours doing nothing but training, and our only entertainment was us joking around with each other to make the hours pass by.

Thinking back on the synchro days gives me the chill. I still remember when we used to swim for hours in the winter in the cold water. Funny how they insisted to keep the water cold, even in the winter; actually, especially in the WINTER!!! We used to stand at the ends of the pool singing and sometimes begging our coach “Coach, please have mercy, its freezing cold” (Coach, allah ye7’aleeky 2el donya bard; 2el donya bard). In addition to the normal training days, there were the competitions where we had to stay in the water for 5 minutes and out in the air for the next five, and still FUNNY that most competitions were also in the winter!! And the water still not heated, but as cold as an ice berg!!

Though it all sounds like torture, the long training hours, the fierce exercise, and the freezing water, and the rain sometimes; I just can not help but having a huge smile on my face while reminiscing these days. See, for me it’s not about the cold, the wetness, the muscle strains, nor the toughness of our coaches and judges. For me it’s all about the cheers, the laughs, the support, and the bond that we achieved in both trainings and competitions. We were like inseparable sisters, which spent each and every moment of the day together; confiding to one another, competing with grace, and taking care of each other.

Ironic isn’t it? That in such a chilling, cold, and freezing environment was born a relationship that is so warm and genuine that it lasted till this very day. I guess that is the divine secret of the Ya-Ya sisterhood synchro club; in the coldest surroundings came the warmest of hearts!!

Turning cold up there: How can someone creative trun cold, and how can they bounce back?

Ok…so they say that the right hemisphere of the brain is the creative side. It is the side that is in control of one’s imaginations, visual thoughts, artistic works, and musical sense. It is what makes the geniuses of the world such as Mozart, Van Gogh, Leonardo DaVinci, Beethoven, Fellini, and many other great artistic minds of the ancient and the modern world become who they are. But have you ever thought of Beethoven behind a desk doing paper work from 9 to 5 each day? What would such a thing do to him? And where would he be now if he led such a routine like life?

Notice quite well that I haven’t mentioned any writers above, not because I see them any less of great minds than the ones mentioned; but because today I will not be talking about a writer’s block, but I will be talking about “Creative Coldness” in general.

“Creative Coldness” as I define it would be; the lack of any creative or innovative thoughts in one’s mind; which could lead to a life of indifference and a low drive to even try. How would I know such a condition? I would because that’s what I’m going through these days.

Ever since I was little girl I have been surrounded by artistic minds and talents. I used to dance, sing, and participate in school shows and plays. Even when I grew up; I couldn’t stand apart from that crowd; I was an active member at the university choir, and worked in various stage productions outside of my school. I only did it because I loved it, not because I was getting anything of it such as money, because I never did. I loved the thrill of creating something new from scratch, and seeing how it can grow before one’s eyes to be displayed or performed in its end form to the audience. I still maintained such life even after I graduated and started working. However, at some point I had other financial obligations that I had to go find another job that is more demanding but pays better.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my new job, but unfortunately not as much as I loved working at the theatre. The problem is that with this job, I have no time to commit to anything else but the job; it’s all about the job!!! If only I can do both….go to work in the morning and then rehearse a play at the evening after working hours. That’s my dream these days.

I am not trying to whine here, but I started finding my self reaching a red zone where it would be very hard for me to return from. My right hemisphere is not being exercised enough…and I noticed that when I was at a brainstorming session at CONVO talking about the new issue. There it hit me!! I have no thoughts or ideas…it’s like I’ve turned dry…no not dry, COLD! That’s why I decide writing this article…trying to find out the reasons that have made me reach such a point, and maybe by finding the reasons I’d be able to find the solution to my problem. This article is also dedicated towards those who used to live in an artistic environment but due to growing up and social and financial obligations they had to take stable, desk, and suit up with 9 to 5 jobs. The first indicator for you to know that you are in the red zone, is that when you find your self in a situation that was the easiest for you to handle creatively and you no longer can!! This is when you should take action.

The only reason that I can see behind such “Creative Coldness” is routine, and only routine!! Routine is what will make our brains go numb, like any muscle if it doesn’t get enough exercise it will turn cold. That’s why I believe that the ultimate solution for such a problem is trying to break the routine by any means trying to be involved in activities that will stimulate our creative minds again.

Personally, I believe that we have to force our selves into finding time for the things we love. Maybe take an hour daily or weekly dancing, singing, writing, drawing, or acting. With each week passing by, we should double the amount of time spent on that activity. Also, it would be better to engage in more that one activity as to stimulate our sense again. In addition to this; a very effective method that learned from my friends that went through this before me is meditating. Meditating will allow us to disconnect from the rest of the worries of work and life, and later on be able to focus on dong that special thing that we love without getting distracted whatsoever.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: “Love thy self” and do the things that you love, don’t get caught up in the worries of everyday; or else you will fund your life passing by in no time without achieving anything that you love. This is when you will fee that you entire life was all in vain. Learn how to stir up your creativity and warming it up…no one will tell you how to do that except yourself. Only you can know what to do….and only you who will allow your self to bounce from creative coldness to creative warmness.

The Art of Wasting Time

Ever since I have been assigned to write this article, I have been running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out what to write about. There is so many to write about and so little at the same time. The Egyptian streets are extremely inspirational and yet frustrating at the same time, they can either produce a writer, or a perspective suicidal maniac. Anyway, I decided to stay in and try to get inspired by what I watch on TV or read online; still nothing!!!

As the clock kept on ticking indicating the time passing, I couldn’t help to realize that I’ve wasted so much time on my hands doing absolutely nothing!! The thought was just scary. All I could think of was that this was lost time of my life that I will never be able to regain. I started going back with my memory on all those days were I had millions of things to do, and I ended up doing nothing because I just wasted my time in mere nothingness. And only then I got inspired. As I recall, my dad always called me the queen of wasting time, however the thought never hit me expect now. I decided to write an article about how to do anything (2ay 7aga), and I mean anything that is time wasting if you want to pass time in your office or at school when you’re simply not the mood to be productive.

Please bear in mind that this is a destructive rather than an instructive article, but I believe in the saying “If you want to do something wrong then you might as well do it right”.

Now that I’ve introduced you all to the idea; here we go.

There are billions of things a person can do to in order to waste while working or studying without being caught by your boss or your parents. We all know that we are all stuck in a certain venue, either at the office or at a desk, till a certain hour of the day. So if you want to pass or waste your time, the least thing you should do is to try to enjoy that wasted time while pretending to be working at the same time.

The key rule here is to always do things that involve work or study materials.

And the list of time wasting methods begins:
- You can always try to write down your thoughts on a piece of paper. It is always useful to write what you feel every now and then as a way of releasing some of that anger or frustration that one might be carrying around.
- In addition to this, you can also write down a list of the things that you want to do in your day (things to do list).
- You can also go as far with your imagination and try to write a letter for your self addressing the negative things in you that you would like to change.
- Also you can write down your future plans, and what you would like to achieve in the, lets say, ten years from now.
- Get out your cell phone and start reading all the messages on it, maybe it will remind you of something or someone you forgot about.
- Always keep your desk a mess, so you can always waste an hour or two rearranging it every morning (but don’t forget to mess it through by the time the day is done, so you can do this all over again in the morning).
- I am the kind of person who goes crazy when I forget a certain phrase in a song. What I usually do is try to write it all down to pick up the parts that I could have forgotten.
- The classic trick: Put a magazine or a letter between your books to read (look too serious and all concentrated).
- Drink lots of fluids, like water, coffee, juices so you can be able to go to the bathroom a lot (no one can blame you for fulfilling bodily functions).
- Dissect you pen or mechanical pencil to figure out how it works (this will be very useful in the future when the pen actually breaks, only then you will know how to fix it).
- If you have an internet connection, then you are in time wasting heaven, because the internet is a perfect time waster, you can do almost anything, and no one can prove that you aren’t working if you play it smart.
- You can always do the usual by checking you email, and connecting with people through Facebook, Hi 5, My space, and all those connecting sites.
- You can also update or create your own blog.
- Then you can check out anything you want, like cars, recipes, movies, historical facts, news, ect……
- There are new sites specialized in personality and IQ quizzes. It is always a good idea to take those quizzes; they help you to understand yourself even more. And when you do take them, share the results on Facebook and see your friends’ comments and results. It is really fun!!
- Key point here, is to ALWAYS have a window that is work related open, so that if your boss walked in on you, you can claim that you are researching something that will improve the work environment.
- Also, NEVER play games that may have sound effects.

I know that there are plenty of other ways to waste time, and that others do that more creatively than I do, but I believe it is always best to keep a low profile. The list given for tips is just a brief of what anyone can do in order to waste time at the office. But always remember not to do that daily so that you can still keep your job. A good employee is always entitled for such a day only once a week, probably the last day before weekend where all the work has been hectic and crazy. Enjoy wasting your time. And Remember: Kill time with style!

Who do you succeed for?

Since we were little children, we keep on dreaming of that glorious day where we will grow up and become successful in life. We project that through many different thoughts and dreams that are unrealistic. Like that day where we will be able to beat up that big kid that bullied around us the whole year, or becoming a famous movie or rock star who will look down and gloat at the people who humiliated us when we were kids. Regardless of what we dreamed of becoming, or how we defined the word success back then; there is only one thing we all tended to have in common; the consent of our parents and making them proud of us. Some of people’s main goal in life is just to follow the foot steps of their parents no matter what they do.

Childhood actual success doesn’t usually exceed the limit of getting a sticker on the forehead, or getting a gold star in our copybooks. To the average person; those achievements are extremely trivial and meaningless. However, that’s not how a child’s mind operates. The first thing that we do when we have that sticker or that golden star is that we try to keep it on for as long as we can, so we can rush to our parents after school hours to just to show them what we’ve achieved.

Striving for our parents’ acknowledgment doesn’t only make us run to them when we get rewarded or successful, but also makes us hide from them when we fail in any kind of way. If we get a black mark on our charts or get a detention; our initial instinct tells us to just hide it and lie. Meanwhile we keep biting our nails off and sweating like a pig anticipating what might happen on the annual parent-teacher conference. We exert all our efforts at the conference to waste time till the meeting is over before our parents can get to reach that teacher that might complain from us. We keep on wondering; will they know? Will they not know? Who could possibly tell them? And what will be their reaction when they find out? It is like disaster waiting to happen! True that part of the reason why we tend to hide such ugly truth is to avoid punishment. However, in the back of our heads; we still don’t want to cause any sort of disappointment to those who raised and provided us since we were born.

This strive of acceptance doesn’t just live with us when we are little children; it still finds a way to grow with us even after we graduate form college. When I look back at the old times when I was in school, I can still see my self standing in my parents’ bedroom early in the morning, trying so hard to be able to tell them that I’m too tired to go to school today, and that I’d rather take a rest and stay in for the day. I was so worried about how they might react, and more or less ashamed of my self; not because I was going to miss things at school, or that I’ll disappoint any of my teachers, but because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. And here I am, 10 years later as a working, independent woman, and you can still see me in my parents’ room early in the morning looking for their approval or consent for staying in for the day and calling in sick. I can, until this very day see that school girl in that outfit worried and looking rather ashamed!!!

It’s great to follow our parents’ footsteps in life just to make them proud of what we’ve become. It’s so fulfilling and easy to have a dream of becoming exactly as our parents, because only then we wouldn’t have to worry about disappointing them. But what should a person do when his/her ultimate goal in life is very different with that of their parents’; maybe even sometimes contradictive with their set of values and ideologies?? How could we make that balance between what we are expected to be, and what we actually want to be?? How could we solve the equation of making our parents proud, yet having some sense of self-fulfillment?? How could we just keep that sparkle in their eyes even when they hear about something that they might dislike while we are very passionate about?

Such questions keep on hunting people my age all the time. We strive to become what we dream of, but we also don’t want to disappoint our parents. We keep on stumbling all over the place trying to solve that riddle, but nothing works. This all leads up to what is now called “Quarter Life Crisis” or “QLC”. QLC is defined as a phase in the life of newly graduates who suffer from anxiety and uncertainty in their lives; which leads them to take random, and undeceive decisions.

I know that our parent’s ultimate goals in life are to see us happy, well off, and successful. But what if our definition of success differs from theirs? Wouldn’t our happiness be more important to them than us following the path of success that they paved for us? Didn’t they tell us since we were children to follow our passions in life, and stand up for what we believe in no matter what? Then how come they expect us to cave easily for their wishes to follow their dreams? I am still striving to make my parents proud of me; on the other hand, I still want to follow my passions that they disapprove of. I know I sound like a stubborn little girl, but history has proved that all the great minds suffered from and fought what is considered “Socially Acceptable” in order to become the great names that they are today.

As I said earlier, I still want to make my parents proud, while being happy doing what I love. This seems like an impossible combination; however I am looking for the answers. How will I solve the problem? That I haven’t yet figured out!!!!!